Awake.

So here I am up at 2am, with a huge backload of work to clear and a wandering mind. More specifically a mind that wanders only to Korea. It is alarming how real the memories feel when I let them. I close my eyes and I can picture myself making the same hike up the hill and across the square to get to class, taking M5107 to Seoul for a weekend out, sitting by the Han river, just the two of us, talking even as it gets cold. All the time remembering that I am in my dorm in Beijing with my butt firmly planted on the bed and having to play tennis tomorrow in the smog that is back now that APEC is over. I miss Korea so much it is like a phantom limb- I am clearly not there but sometimes in the briefest of a moment, I let myself believe. Being back there last week made me realized how attached I was to the country, so much so that clearing the customs felt like going home. Of course it could be in large part because of the people there, people I miss. It is the kind of missing that when you try to lock it up and compartmentalize it, it invades your thoughts at moments when you are the most focused and basically is the narrative playing in your brain when you aren't. It sucks knowing that places and people are only a plane ride away yet you can't simply hop on a plane and go. Sometimes the memories are so vivid I feel like if I look up he'll be sitting across me as we wait for our 짜장면 to arrive. But though we all have the luxury to remember, we don't all have the luxury to relive a moment. 

Last thoughts: so my roommate always asks why I love hugging. I think I might just have it figured out. I love it because it means the end of missing someone and signifies the bringing together of people. 我是幸福的，正因为有了等待才会有那聚首的幸福。等待是悠久而漫长的，而聚首只有那样碰撞的一瞬间，但那一瞬间是那样的美妙。也因此我会永远固执地盼望着聚首。of course you can settle for less, but why on earth would you do that? 两个人相遇未必相识，相识未必相爱，相爱未必留住，留住未必忍受，忍受未必白头偕老。So the odds are against us, but I'll take my chances.

Desiderata

One of my favourite poems that I haven't read in awhile. Life has this way of surprising you and 2014 has been one of the best years yet. Alas time is like charm. You never have as much as you think. So take life by both hands, grab it, shake it and believe in every second of it.

Desiderata

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy :)

But on mornings where I wake up with a smile, this conversation plays in my head like a broken record until I can shut it down.  

"I am so afraid."

"Why?"

"Because I am so profoundly happy. Happiness like this is frightening."

"Why?"

"They only let you be this happy if they are preparing to take something from you."

All I do now is so that when time comes when my life flashes before my eyes, it will be worth watching. Some people say maybe it isn't about the happy ending. Maybe it is about the story. But I will try hard as hell for both.