Awake.

So here I am up at 2am, with a huge backload of work to clear and a wandering mind. More specifically a mind that wanders only to Korea. It is alarming how real the memories feel when I let them. I close my eyes and I can picture myself making the same hike up the hill and across the square to get to class, taking M5107 to Seoul for a weekend out, sitting by the Han river, just the two of us, talking even as it gets cold. All the time remembering that I am in my dorm in Beijing with my butt firmly planted on the bed and having to play tennis tomorrow in the smog that is back now that APEC is over. I miss Korea so much it is like a phantom limb- I am clearly not there but sometimes in the briefest of a moment, I let myself believe. Being back there last week made me realized how attached I was to the country, so much so that clearing the customs felt like going home. Of course it could be in large part because of the people there, people I miss. It is the kind of missing that when you try to lock it up and compartmentalize it, it invades your thoughts at moments when you are the most focused and basically is the narrative playing in your brain when you aren't. It sucks knowing that places and people are only a plane ride away yet you can't simply hop on a plane and go. Sometimes the memories are so vivid I feel like if I look up he'll be sitting across me as we wait for our 짜장면 to arrive. But though we all have the luxury to remember, we don't all have the luxury to relive a moment. 

Last thoughts: so my roommate always asks why I love hugging. I think I might just have it figured out. I love it because it means the end of missing someone and signifies the bringing together of people. 我是幸福的，正因为有了等待才会有那聚首的幸福。等待是悠久而漫长的，而聚首只有那样碰撞的一瞬间，但那一瞬间是那样的美妙。也因此我会永远固执地盼望着聚首。of course you can settle for less, but why on earth would you do that? 两个人相遇未必相识，相识未必相爱，相爱未必留住，留住未必忍受，忍受未必白头偕老。So the odds are against us, but I'll take my chances.